im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
