im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Randomize
