My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
