I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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