Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
