He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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