I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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