today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
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