found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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