Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
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Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
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I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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