who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
