Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
