There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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