Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
