Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Randomize