May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
