Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Randomize
