just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
