Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Too much gin, very little bucket
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
