OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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