Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Randomize
