i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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