so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
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I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
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She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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