my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
