Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
