I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
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