there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize
