well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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