i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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