There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Randomize
