The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Why are your pants in the freezer?
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