I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
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In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
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Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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