Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
