Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
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I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
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I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.