when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.