The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.