Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Randomize
