I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
