I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
