come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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