you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
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