you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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