Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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