If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.