i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
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He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
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Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him