I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
29 Of The Most Hilarious And Embarrassing Walks Of Shame Ever
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
These 23 Dudes Get Giddy From Dem Titties
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.