remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
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