The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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