i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
