There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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