did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
