Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
