Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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