dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
he told me I talked like a deaf person
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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