is your mom at the bar?
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
