I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
