my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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