it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
