He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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