Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
i wish my penis had a tongue
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
