I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Randomize
