got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
