Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Randomize
