she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
