Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
