fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
