the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Randomize
